He knows everything I am, all my flaws, all my defects.
He sees how tainted I am by my sins,
how filthy the path of unrighteousness has made my bare feet.
He sees the pieces of my heart I hide from the world,
hears every wretched thought, every ounce of depravity, selfishness, weakness and shame.
He sees how hideous I can be,
but He calls me beautiful.
He knows how terrible I can be,
but He calls me loving.
He understands how sinful I have been,
but He calls me pure.
Before I was even concieved, before I was even born into this world,
before I drew my first breath,
He heard every blasphemy, ridicule, folly.
He saw every cruel action, indifference, apathy.
He had memorized each one of my stumbles before I had legs to walk on.
He saw my capacity for evil, for wrong-doing.
But He loved me.
He loved that flawed ‘me’ He knew I would be,
Enough to create me,
Enough to give me life,
Enough to die on that cross for me.
So when the epitome of darkness surrounds me,
when the shadows envelope me and my scars scream for attention against my skin,
when the world is against me and that voice tells me that
When that voice tells me I’m nothing
and tries to rush me into the arms of despair and death,
I can raise my head and strengthen my voice and ball my fists and say
I believe in a God who believes in me.
Enough to to care for me, to watch over me, to protect me.
Enough to embrace me as I’ve cried and love me when I couldn’t love myself.
Enough to grab onto my hand when I felt like submitting,
Enough to carry me when the weight of my troubles was too much for my back to bear,
Enough to whisper my name in His dying hours
As if to give Him strength,
As if to tell Himself:
Just bear with it a second more, for the sake of that soul.
Just hold on through, for the sake of how much she needs you.
Just hold on, try to withstand the thorns against my skin, for the sake of her life,
so very precious,
so in need of strength.
Just hold on, one more instant, one more breath, one painstaking breath at a time-
my arms are heavy and this cross singes my burning, tattered back-
but this is for her sake. This is for his sake.
I am doing this for each and every beloved creation who needs me.
For each and everyone who will live their lives feeling misplaced, unloved, unneeded.
For each and everyone of them who needs to know someone in the universe
Loved them enough to die for them, to give them their all.
This is for the sake of each and every soul.
For each and every one.
And if the epitome of goodness, the figurehead of purity, the God of excellence and glory-
the only true judge, the only one righteous enough to cast me into the depths of the sea
found it in Himself, in His perfect glory,
to die for me, to give His all for me:
Then who am I, fearfully created and small as I am, to deny my worth?
Just calm down, Estefania. Calm down. You already had enough food today, consumed enough calories- probably too much anyways.
Just think about the slim body you want. The flat stomach. The fluff-less sides. The thin arms! The Just sip your green tea and meditate on that dream, that treacherous, despicable dream!
So I lost my cellphone and any exposure to music as well as the ability to exerise freely. Swell. Needless to say, this was not one of the most pleasant or easiest weekends I’ve had as of late, but I’m still alive. Can’t complain too much as long as I still have all my limbs, a beating heart, working lungs, all that good stuff.
So today! Went to art class a tad late and everyone took all the tablets for themselves so they could
act as if they weren’t just hogging up the tablets while they wasted time doing nothing work. So I spent over an hour and half staring at a blank screen on a virus-infested school laptop doing absolutely nothing only to later open my violin and find the A-string was completely torn off the peg!
Not the best of mornings. So how did I resolve this little conundrum? Put on my sweater, put on my coat, slung my violin on my back and high-tailed it out of there. Yup, I ditched school after only two periods of art. And I don’t regret it- nerd as I am, it felt good.
I went to Barnes and Nobles, order Hamlet for AP English and caught up on some reading! I ended up buying Alexander Dumas’ The Three Musketeers and the third volume of Kuroshitsuji! Woot, woot! As if that wasn’t enough, I bought myself a small Frappacino at Starbucks and a tasty sandwhich at some nearby store.
Day’s not over and I’m a little hazed by a few thoughts here and there, but I made the most out of my day. I spoiled myself. I enjoyed the weather. I smiled. And while I’m chomping on this apple (I pat myself on the back for choosing the green apple over chips and dip) I can’t help but feel this day wasn’t half as bad as it could’ve been.