I hate when I wake up and my confidence is on the floor. Cue a stupid rant. Blah.
And the worst kind of way that can happen, like how it is happening this morning, is when I doubt myself as a person. Not appearance-wise. Because it’s easier to feel insecure about my appearance, and I don’t know- it’s not as deep rooted. It’s more like a frustration, something fleeting and just a bit more easy to handle.
But when I doubt myself as a whole person, that’s when I’m really having a suckish day. Because I doubt wether or not I really have anything to offer, and I begin to knit-pick at how little I have done in my life. And I look at all the things I haven’t done or seen or spoken, and I look at the little I have- and even things I’m proud of, things I can sometimes feel sure that I have promise at, like my writing, start being put under a skeptical lens. And it’s like- if I don’t have my intelligence or I don’t have a skill, then I have nothing to measure my self-worth. And maybe that’s how little I hold myself, but saying nice things to friends or being friendly doesn’t qualify as being anything, to me. Anybody can be a “nice” person, but that doesn’t mean a thing, to me. Yeah, it makes people feel better, yeah how I express my love and admiration to people is sincere- but if I don’t have a talent I can hold, if I can’t write or create something solid, then what make me different from anyone else? What do I have to hold myself to?
I don’t need to be pretty, I don’t need to feel beautiful. But I can’t rely on being talented in something, in anything at all, than what am I supposed to feel I have to my name? Argh. Ugh. Ughhhhhh